I wanna be elected

The Ramones wrote in the Seventies about just dropping out of society and forgetting the mundane life around them. ‘I wanna be sedated’ is a mercurial attempt to explain how to give up on your old existence.

So if you work too many hours, you are not being paid enough, and recognition at work is non existent. You are maybe thinking you’re in a rut and you feel you need a change, what better way to change your life than becoming a T.D?

That’s right, what is wrong with harbouring the possibility of joining Irelands’ most exclusive club. A club that reviews their salaries more than the video referee reviews Brian O’ Driscolls feet and the touchline at six nations internationals.

A club where you get more time off during the year than your children in school do. You receive winter breaks that outlast the snows in Switzerland, and summer breaks longer than the entire series of the All-Ireland championships.

If that isn’t really up your Kildare Street, how about having access to Irelands most sought after gym, the Dáil gym! A gym designed in such a way that you will not be bothered by the outside world. In fact, you could spend days in there without being harassed by others, or possibly even seeing other people.

Yes, you could sweat away the hours, more than likely by yourself, in one of the finest kitted out and maintained gyms in Ireland. In reality, it would be hard not to maintain it to a high standard, as apparently the gym is about as popular as Hamas are in Israel, among the patrons of the halls and walls of Leinster House.

This gym boasts a part-time gym instructor on €26,000 per annum. It’s like having your own personnel trainer, who could turn you into an Adonis or Helen. You could attain a body fit for Hollywood. So see this as a forward step toward greater stardom, a la George Galloway

Not floating your boat yet? Think of a job where your expenses can far outstrip your actually working wage. But sure, you can claim all them back, safe in the knowledge that within a couple of months you will be reviewing your salary again.


In this job, you debate your salary as much as anything else and then claim that the job is hard. In fact, YOU technically decide how much you are paid.

An Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, receives a salary that is four times bigger than his Spanish counterpart José Luiz Rodriguez Zapatero. If you consider that Mr Rodriguez Zapateros' Spain has a population 12 times greater than that of Ireland, per size of worth in ratio terms, Bertie is worth 48 Mr Rodriguez Zapatero. And his Dáil colleagues and he decided that themselves.

Added to this, you have access to all modes of transport, except for thunderbird one or three. A working rocket in Ireland may cause a stir with the public, as it may be the first time most politicians had one put underneath them.

You would have Helicopters to drop you off at your local Roscommon off licence, ‘No gardaí, I’m not driving, my pilot is outside’. And who can forget the Lear-jets? Obviously our national carrier Aer Lingus, promoted to the hilt by our cabinet, is just not good enough to bring you to India to watch horseracing. Oh sorry, that was business and research trip during the Dáil holidays. How silly of me! Why Michael O’Leary didn’t jump on that one, I’ll never know.

There should be no problem gaining some form of recognition from the public. Good, bad or indifferent you may be as a politician; you will have people ringing you all the time. You will need more than one mobile phone, a couple of secretaries, one in the Dáil, one in the Constituency, and an inane ability to avoid the press.

This is the crux of it though, as the media is where most of your recognition will come from. If you happen to be a champion hide and seeker, you will be all the more sought after.

If you crave media attention, a la Martin Cullen, you will be lambasted. Also you may gain a nemesis, one who becomes as famous as you, enter Conor Faughnan, AA roadwatch’s own c-list celebrity. There is no news about Martin unless Conor has something to say.

Your weekly sojourn to a town in your constituency for your clinic, although not held in a pub meeting room as much any more, will still have people flocking to see you. You will receive more requests than a 21st birthday party DJ, and you better be as pleasant as one too.

There is a glaring difference between a DJ and a TD however. If a DJ cannot assist with your request, you hold a fleeting grudge against them and simply go to the bar. If a TD cannot assist, the public bitch and bring them to court, actually when you think about it in the cold light of day, it is quiet similar after all.

So now you know the benefits of being one of the 166 people who decide how our country is run and how much they get paid to run it. How do you know if you qualify to be put on an electoral role?

Well according to the Department of Environment, Heritage and Local government, you must meet these requirements. ‘Every citizen of Ireland over 21 years of age who is not disqualified under the Constitution or by law is eligible to be elected to the Dáil.’

On the downside though if you have skeletons in your closet, and let’s face it, there is a lot of closed closets lurking around Leinster house, eligibility become a slight problem. ‘Persons undergoing a prison sentence in excess of six months, undischarged bankrupts and persons of unsound mind are disqualified for election.’

Also, don’t go out and get highly educated, if you do your chances of getting this cushy life are nil. ‘Certain occupations are incompatible with membership of the Dáil, for example, members of the judiciary, senior officials of the institutions of the European Union, civil servants, wholetime members of the Defence Forces and Gardaí ’, are exempted. Bad luck Sergeant!

So if you qualify and have had little luck with the Euromillions, maybe this is your chance for that windfall. Go on, it could be your lucky day.

Ireland's new casuals

We see it all the time, mainly in the cities, but it’s spreading like butter on a summer’s day to the rest of the country. The fashion of the scumbag! In the U.K they call them ‘chavs’, scumbags is fine for Ireland, as they don’t need cultural acceptance.

It must be seen to be believed but no matter how tough you want to be perceived as being, you still must have some sense of what looks good and what doesn’t. So obviously there is more to a tracksuit than a fashion statement.

There’s practicality to the uniform of the scum as well. It has developed into regalia that is as beneficial to scum economically and practically, as the gardai outfit is to the public.

We all know the garda uniform, and you know it’s a garda wearing it when you see it, but how easy is it to distinguish between one uniform wearer and the next?

The concept behind the uniform of scum has come out of the gang culture in the USA. There all gang members wear the exact same attire, white tee-shirt and jeans. What’s the reason behind this?

Well if there has been a shooting, or a store robbery, witness’s description will be White, Black, or Hispanic male, white tee-shirt, blue jeans. When police approach a grouping they suspect may have committed the crime, how can they tell which banger was being described. Protection by lack of detection is the way these gangs work.

Ireland’s new wave scum are the same. On the occasion of being held up at knifepoint in a shop and describing the perpetrator to the Gardai, they basically said there is no hope of catching him, it could one of many.


For every person who wears a suit at work every day, selling and buying shares acceptably gambling with people’s livelihoods- there is a guy in a tracksuit running his business too. But you have to know what to look for.

Not every person who wears a swoosh or three stripes is out on the make, but some unfortunately are. And it’s more to do with how they wear their clothes rather than what they are actually wearing.

Small time dealers are making small time statements that let people know they have or have not got wears to sell. It’s done simply by socks.

The new craze of people wearing socks over their tracksuit bottoms is a way of letting people know if they have drugs to sell, or if they are looking for drugs. A right sock over the leggings is an advertisement of stock to sell, a sock over the left leg means that a person is looking for stuff to buy.

The odd nutter has socks over both leggings meanings he’s both got stuff to sell, but is willing to buy drugs also.

It’s simple but a way of doing business without being too obvious. But don’t fret if your son is working on this kind of fashion statement. As it is in the country at the moment, people are doing it as mode, a way of acceptance in certain groups.

These people who are genuinely selling stuff are more noticeable by their pockets. Tracksuits are not known for the concealing powers being loose and lacking the stability and stiffness of denims.

These people don’t often carry their supplies on them and usually have a small entourage with them or in the near vicinity. This is a way of splitting the proceeds amongst them so they don’t get caught with a large amount of money. So strangely, empty pockets are more likely to be the people to talk to if you are looking for supplies.

The drugs are usually stashed and very little carried on the person, so if by any mishap they are caught by the gardai, the amount of drugs found on them may be termed as ‘personal use’; this is a minor offence in judicial terms. Also this reduces the possibility of the whole batch being discovered, so future profits can be protected.

The other benefit of tracksuits and trainers is you can use them for their purpose, running! Although the gardai have modernized their uniform and it is more adaptable to urban settings, it’s still not ideal running attire, nor are their shoes. Air-max, Henry Lloyds, Adidas and the like are just a bit more advanced than Dubarry’s. Being kitted out right is of great benefit in avoiding detection.

All cultures dress to their benefit. The football hooligans of the seventies and eighties wore expensive designer clothes rather than replica kits of the teams they supported as it would be too easy to spot them in glaring football kits. The umbrella name for these groups became ‘casuals’, it came from the fact guys were wearing casual clothes.

It’s possible that Ireland has developed casuals of her own! If we to do anything about it, maybe we’ll have to pull our socks up too.